Cream and sugar say more than just how you take your coffee
by Gima Campo, NPR News*
A recent study broadcast on Clear Channel Radio stations nationwide during The Rush Limbaugh Show claims you can understand everything you need to know about a woman, including sexual proclivities, based on her Starbucks order. Researchers at Oral Roberts University conducted extensive testing at Starbucks locations throughout the Bible Belt, including the buckle itself, ORU’s hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Sam Goodfellow, senior researcher for Family and Women’s Health Studies at ORU, noted that he saw the results early into the study.
“We saw women with small children, ordering what are commonly know as Babyccinos, frequenting the popular chain coffee stores sans wedding bands, often exposing excessive decoltage. We knew almost immediately that our hypothesis was correct.”
The study, which was published in hard copy in last weeks’ New York Post, shockingly and accurately elucidates the precise Starbucks orders and their correlations to women’s behavior.
For example, a woman who orders a venti one pump caramel, one pump white mocha, two scoops vanilla bean powder, extra ice frappucino with two shots poured over the top (affogato style), with caramel drizzle under and on top of the whipped cream requires a weekly coffee allowance of at least $200 and attends church an average zero times per month. If she orders the same drink hot, she is 50% more likely to bring in her own travel mug than the average female Starbucks customer.
Researchers determined that a woman who orders a grande, non-fat, no foam, no water, 6 pump, extra hot, dirty chai tea latte double cupped has premarital sex at least twice a week and demands government funded birth control.
Of no surprise, even to those outside the field of women’s and family health research, the study found that women who order tall iced coffees in grande cups with extra ice, three pumps hazelnut, two pumps classic, an inch of non-fat milk, with dome lids and venti straws are either Victoria’s Secret models or member of the LAPD. Why the Angels and the Angelinos were patronizing the midwest coffee establishments has yet to be determined.
Finally, Goodfellow and his team found what they consider to be the Rosetta Stone for understanding 21st century American women. The conclusion came when the researchers discovered Starbucks’ largest drink, the trenta–a 750ml cup of coffee big enough to hold an entire bottle of wine–had been launched nationwide. Since select Starbucks locations across the county now serve alcohol in addition to their caffeinated beverages, the team decoded the Starbucks secret: stimulants mixed with relaxers, a combination which, when consumed by females, causes massive hormonal disruption, promiscuity, infidelity, single parenthood, and progressive voting.
Still, even when consumed exclusively as a coffee drink, the trenta had devastating effects on family values. Ordering it sugar free, non fat, no foam, extra caramel, with whip caramel macchiato with regular coffee poured down the side and two packs of raw sugar plus a wooden stir stick on the side guaranteed its customer was a lesbian.
Further investigation into the Oral Robert University conclusions will be conducted by researchers at Liberty University .
Additional reporting by Ann E. Won and I.M. Knowbuddy.
*This story was not broadcast on NPR because it’s fake. What’s your NPR name?